I remember it was 1995, I was young, around 10-11 years old kid with identity issue. What Identity issue you may ask? One example is – I used to ask myself
Who Am I?
What is the purpose of living?. I used to identify it as an identity issue because when I ask that kind of question to older people. most of them shrug, laugh or telling me that someday I’ll figure it out (with loud laugh or simple smirk of course)
Is it wrong for a 10 years old to get the answer of it? the purpose of their life? How old a person can get the real answer of their purpose of life? 20? 30? 40? or by the deathbed?
If I remember closely – those days feels like living trough a 3rd person view of me. Like I am watching myself behind a steel-barred thick window. A thick window that limit real
me and the outside world.
Well, due to those haunting existentialism questions – it cause the feeling of non-belonging. That I am not belong here – that I am not born normally from the usual human deal – but with just ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! suddenly exists with flash of light, epic music and pop! I am exists!
28 years old now – and still stuck with the same questions. At least my parent has made it to convince me that I am not born with flash of light and epic music playing in the background, disappointing truth don’t you think?
Used to have imaginary friends, when I said imaginary friends – it’s not 1 or 2 or 3 entity. But legion of shadows around me – hundreds of entities.
When I walk alone to school (used to walk 1-2km to school) those legion of shadows will surround me and say hello – Well those shadows actually never speak anything but their existence always means
good day or
good morning – funny things is those shadows never appear at night.
From that many shadows there’s one that is closer than other – when I am lonely or haunted by the feeling of not-belong-to. That closest shadow always looks like it care – not really have face but I know it is trying to smile. Not really have hands but I know – in it’s every inch of pitch black is trying to engulf me with darkness. A hug. Not really have existence since I know it’s imaginary but it’s there – along with hundreds-of-hundreds legion of shadows.
I don’t remember when exactly those shadows stopped to following me around – kind of miss them in a weird way.
To tell you the truth – Sometimes I still see one of them follow some random kids. Hugging and Smiling and I smile back at them.